Friday, April 04, 2008

I'm not me anymore

I was looking through some of my old journal entries and found this. This is from June 1, 2007. This was before I was diagnosed and before I knew what was causing me to be so ill. Actually, shortly after this is when I found an answer. Just thought I'd share...

I don't feel real anymore.

I feel like a zombie.

I feel like my life was drained out of me, but then my body was left to see how well I could continue so-called living.

I feel like I'm 123 years old; not 23.

I feel, nearly every day, like I've been hit by a ton of bricks.

These are only SOME of the ways I can describe the way I constantly feel...

I've always believed in God. Sure, I've had my doubts, but nothing has made me doubt more than this happening to me. I've never prayed so hard in my life to feel something more, something BETTER than what I feel nearly every day due to whatever it is this is that has taken over my entire being. I've prayed so much and, yet, I really haven't gotten an answer. Sure, this doctor I'm going to now seriously seems to think it's the vitamin deficiency, but I really have a hard time seeing how that would make me feel so deathly ill. And the scary thing is that NO ONE knows what is wrong with me... not even doctors who should be competent in what they are doing. They are paid entirely too much to sit there and tell me stupid things, like "it's your spirit" or that it's a vitamin deficiency. And yet, doctors get away with telling patients this crap all of the time.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that a person can have problems with their "spirit", but it wouldn't cause them as many problems as I'm having. It just doesn't make sense.

I have no idea what I'm going to do if I get tested for Lyme and that's not it. I'm basically standing at the edge of a cliff, wearing a blindfold, waiting to see if I'll be allowed to step away or if I'll be pushed over.

I don't feel like I'm controlling my life anymore. And it's MY life. And what's scarier is I have no idea who or what is controlling it. It almost feels as if a monkey was given the remote to me AND my life, and is just sitting there pushing whatever buttons it wants and sometimes pushing all of them at the same time.

I thought that after half a year of this, I'd be all cried out, but I'm not. And it amazes me that I'm not. I've never felt this ill, nor have I ever cried so much in my life.

I just wish I could go back a half a year, so I'm feeling "normal" again.

I'm not suicidal, but I must admit that being so extremely ill has only made me think more about such an awful thing. I mean, what's the use in living like this? It's hardly like I'm living at all anyway. Plus, I have no idea if I'll ever get better and I'm starting to really doubt I will. If doctors don't know what's wrong with me, and they've had half a year to find out and haven't, then why should I continue to be hopeful?

This week has been one of my worst weeks since becoming so mysteriously ill. And I've been on the vitamins the doctor wanted me on. Are they supposed to make you feel like shit before they actually help? I know some medicine is known to do that, but these are vitamins; not medicine.

God, how much longer must I suffer because I'm really afraid I can't take much more.

I don't see how I deserve this, but more importantly, I don't see how Matthew deserves this. He's such a good man and husband. And I can't even be a decent wife anymore. I don't have the energy to do anything. Even if I have the energy to put the clothes in the wash, I don't have the energy to put them in the dryer or fold them after they are done drying, which is ridiculous because that really doesn't take much energy, but obviously, it takes more energy than I have. I haven't cooked since before I got sick. Matt's mom sometimes calls me and will ask me what I cooked for dinner. Hello? Don't you remember I'm sick? The last thing I feel like doing is cooking. I guess most people still have a hard time understanding just how freaking ill this whatever-it-is has made me. I sometimes feel too weak to even eat; that, and sometimes I become nauseated and don't really have an appetite.

I woke up this morning with a headache and just feeling achy all over. Most days I don't wake up feeling as bad as I did this morning. My head hurts just about every single day, but it usually doesn't ache when I wake up. Sometimes it'll pound, but not ache.

I'm afraid that this year for Christmas all I'll want is my health back. I really don't want to be sick THAT much longer. I don't want to be sick even a month longer. I'm really having a hard time understanding what God's plan in this is? It's always said that God doesn't give a person more than they can handle. But it's getting to the point where I can't handle this anymore. In ways, I believe it's already past what I can handle. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew what it was that was making me so sick, but I don't, and that's what's making it even more unbearable. And I really have no idea how much longer I can bear it. All I know is the wick is becoming increasingly short.

I don't want to die, but I can't go on living like this.