Sunday, September 20, 2009


It's hard to believe that the last post I made was in 2008. It's hard to believe I've been treating lyme now for about two years and I'm still not better. Even though I see improvements, I also see places where I've stepped backwards. This disease is such a lie, such a slap in the face. There's days when I think, 'I am getting better! I have been feeling better!' and then the next day is horrible and I feel like I'm back at square one.

I'm just extremely scared and trying hard to hold onto something, some glimmer of hope that some day I will be well, that this nightmare will come to an end and I will live life like it's meant to be lived.

I was at the ER a couple of days ago because I had heart palpitations for an entire day, from 6:30 a.m. until pretty much 7:30 a.m. the next day. The EKG was normal as was the chest x-ray. They gave me IV liquids and some Toprol (although I already take that as a prescription) and a small dose of Ativan. I don't know how much it helped, if at all. The Ativan made me extremely tired and I slept that night better than I've slept in a really long time. The palpitations did go away, but since then I've had a few. I have an appointment with my cardiologist tomorrow. I just saw him in August because I had palpitations for two hours at a time while at night.

The heart symptoms are the most scary to me. Going to the cardiologist reassures me for a few days, but that's all it does. The cardiologist never finds anything of great significance and tells me I'm fine. But then this happens. I am frightened and just wish I had a healthy heart. People with no heart issues/involvement have no idea how lucky they are. I'm starting to think I have something deeper wrong with my heart. I feel trapped because I'm told lyme can cause the heart symptoms, but then when it gets this bad, I don't know what to do. But then the cardiologist finds nothing wrong and sends me on my way. What am I supposed to do/think?! It's very trapping.

My husband is the most amazing. He's very loving and caring and he's my soulmate and I love him more than anything in this world. But even still, he doesn't understand what I go through. I told him earlier I was depressed and he didn't understand why. Even after I told him I am scared about my heart and depressed about STILL being sick after all this time, he still wondered why I was so depressed. We're about 99% sure my husband has lyme as well, but he's very functional and I hope and pray that he stays that way. I don't ever want him to have to deal with the things I have to. It's a nightmare.

I am trying so hard to be patient. I am trying not to question God because he has a plan for all of us and we ALL have our cross to bear. But sometimes I just want to scream and yell how unfair this is.